Hi everyone, long time no see! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, I wanted to make a Christmas post but I kept putting it off and suddenly it's May! I have lots of plans this month, so I figured now would be a good time to try and blog more.
Today I wanted to share my recent experience bidding in an auction for my absolute holy grail main piece. I have a LOT to say, so this post is going to be a long one. I'll be talking about the piece itself, my attempts to obtain it, and all my thoughts and feelings surrounding it.
Things are going to get pretty vulnerable, so I can't promise that everything I write will be as positive and happy as
my previous post about bidding wars. If you've read that post, you might recall that I briefly touched on the anxiety I feel when it comes to auctions. In this post, I plan to speak on that again, but a lot more in depth. I wanted to use this experience as an opportunity to talk about the not so pleasant side of auctions and dream pieces, and I plan to cover all of my emotions, good and bad. This post doesn't contain anything triggering, however if you don't want to hear about intense negative feelings, I would advise clicking away. If you do decide to continue reading, I do hope you enjoy it! And as always, I'd love to hear any thoughts and feedback you might have.
So, now that's out of the way, I'm sure a lot of you are probably wondering what this mystery dream item is. Honestly, I've been very quiet about it for the most part. I generally tend to keep my dream items to myself, because I always feel like talking about them too much will jinx me somehow. Though I have actually mentioned it in the os server, and in my last post about bidding wars, so you might already be familiar with the piece I'm talking about... Anyway, here it is!
It’s the 2001
Metamorphose Camouflage Button Up Tuck Skirt in the pink colourway!!! This has been my dream “dress” for about two years now, and it’s been my highest priority wishlist item ever since I first saw it. I know some people find the Meta camo releases ugly or unappealing, but there’s just something about their old camo print specifically which is so beautiful to me. I love the colours in the print, red is my absolute favourite colour and I wear lots of pink in lolita, so it's a perfect combination in my eyes! This particular cut also features some gorgeous cross lace along the bottom of the skirt, which I think actually works really well for this piece!
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| A close-up of the lace! |
The first time I tried to purchase this skirt was back in late October/early November 2023. I was browsing on eBay, when I randomly came across an auction for it. This was the first time I'd really looked at this piece properly, and I was immediately drawn to it. I spent a while trying to decide if I should try and bid on it, and even briefly worried that it could be a replica as the seller hadn't actually tagged it as Metamorphose (it was not a replica, I was just paranoid lol).
Eventually, I decided to go for it as I had some money from my birthday to spend! In the lead up to the auction's end date, I watched the listing like a hawk. I saw every new bid which came in, and grew more and more anxious with each one. I've honestly never really understood why people bid on auctions which have a lot of time left on them, because they only seem to drive the price up when they don't need to!
As the timer ticked down, I excitedly gushed about it to my boyfriend and cousin, going on and on about how much I loved the piece and how I'd style it if I won. I planned a lot of different coords with the skirt in my head, and thought about all the things in my wardrobe that would go well with it. I have a really bad habit of doing that with pieces or items I haven't actually purchased yet...
Finally, it was the last day of the auction. I woke up to the alarm that I'd set the night before, and opened up eBay. I think I probably sat there watching the seconds tick down and the bids go up for about 20 minutes before I actually started placing any bids of my own. I always try to bid in the final minute or two so that I don't end up pushing the price up too much. I was the highest bidder for a while, and I thought for sure I would win! However, in the last few seconds, I got outbid. I frantically typed in a new price, but by the time I submitted it, I was too late. I refreshed the page, and I had lost the auction.
Naturally, I was very upset. My boyfriend (who was luckily right there with me at the time) comforted me, and I spent the next few days feeling pretty miserable. I ended up buying a lego set that I'd wanted for a while to try and make myself feel better, but I still really wanted the skirt. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get it out of my head!
As the months passed, I grew rather bitter about that day. Every time I thought about it, I kicked myself for not putting in a higher maximum bid when I had the chance. I spent hours scrolling through page after page of listings on second hand sites, but I never did manage to find anything. The whole hunt began to feel rather hopeless and I eventually stopped looking. I basically wrote it off as "I'd really really like to own this piece but it seems impossible so I'll stop trying". The problem with being an old school lolita is that there's no way of knowing when your dream piece will pop up for sale, or if it ever even will. I try not to have many old school dream items because of this, but sometimes you just can't control it...
Given the age of this skirt, I figured that some of them could've gotten worn out over time and thrown away, or packed away into a box and left to rot in someone's attic. Any skirts I did know about were all very happily homed with other lolitas. My hopes of seeing it for sale were pretty much gone.
In 2024, I didn't see a single listing for this skirt. Perhaps it was up for sale at one point and I just didn't see it, but that fact made me feel even more hopeless. I posted about looking for the skirt in the os discord server around when I first joined, and at some point near the end of that year/the start of this one, I added a saved search for camouflage on Lace Market. I wasn't actively searching anymore, but I still wanted that skirt more than anything so I figured it wouldn't hurt. I only ever got notified by LM about a punkuma OP that kept being relisted. I think the punkuma releases are pretty cool, but they're just not quite my thing. Maybe if something showed up for a very good price...
Anyway, I essentially gave up until this year. After seeing no listings for this print for over a year, I finally got my first ray of hope!!! One of my mutuals made a post in the os discord server about selling their camo skirt and bloomer set. Unfortunately by the time I actually saw the message, I believe it had already sold. Luckily I didn't feel too upset about missing it since it wasn't my preferred cut, and instead I felt hopeful that more listings would show up!
Turns out, I was right to feel that way because a few weeks ago, another listing showed up! A member of the os server tagged me under the link, which made me really happy. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that other lolitas are looking out for you! I really wanted to go for it, but it actually wasn't my preferred cut, and I was saving all the money I could for my upcoming trip to Paris. I also realised that I wouldn't fit the measurements (although that's the case for every cut of this print), so that was another thing holding me back. In the end, as much as it killed me, I decided to pass up on it. And I'm so glad I did.
Because believe it or not, only a few days later, yet another listing popped up. And this one was my preferred cut... I genuinely lost my mind when I saw that tag in the os server (seriously, what would I do without that server!?). I had a brief moment of panic as I tried to figure out what the fuck to do, but I obviously could not let this opportunity pass me by. I decided that I would do everything it takes to get this skirt, no matter what. As much as I wanted to get something when I visited the AP store, this auction took priority over everything, so I let myself use all the money I had set aside.
I only had to wait about 2 days until the end of this auction, but every minute felt like hours. It was agony! In such a short span of time, my mind managed to completely unravel. The first night after finding about the auction, I slept terribly. I was so restless and I kept waking up in the middle of the night, worried that the auction had ended in my sleep and I'd just missed it altogether. At one point I actually woke up and checked the auction on my phone... I also had two dreams about the skirt, one where I managed to win, and one where I didn't. Both were upsetting in their own ways, and by the next morning I was already so, so exhausted.
My feelings and thoughts got so intense that I could hardly think about anything else, and I would frantically check the page every half hour to see if anyone had placed a bid. Any time I thought about the auction, I'd fill up with anxiety to the point where I'd start shaking and feeling nauseous. I got so absorbed that it pretty much took over my life for a couple of days. I was so, so stressed, and I worried about every possible situation.
In my head, losing wasn't an option, but I also couldn't let myself believe there was any chance of me winning out of fear of getting my hopes up again. This time, I didn't let myself think for even a second about the coords I could make with this skirt, or the items I have that would match it. When I talked to my cousin and my boyfriend about it, I only spoke about how afraid and nervous I was. I was completely consumed by negative thoughts and feelings, which isn't really the experience you'd hope for when trying to buy a dream piece...
I constantly doubted myself, feeling like the skirt would be better off with anyone but me. I felt so stupid for trying to bid on a skirt that I knew wouldn't fit me. I also felt guilty about the amount of money I was planning to spend. I had a little bit set aside for this exact situation, but somehow I felt wrong for spending it? I worried about not being able to bid enough and losing the auction, or getting carried away and bidding too high and driving the price up for anyone trying to purchase it in the future. I have really poor impulse control when it comes to money...
The day before the auction ended, I set a sniper bid for the highest amount I was prepared to spend, but I actually ended up lowering it in case it made the price spike in the final minute.
Finally, it was the day of the auction. Unfortunately, it happened to be the same day I left for Paris, and I knew that the result of this auction could completely make or break my holiday. I already get stressed about travelling, and I had a lot of last minute packing to do, so the negative feelings were at an all time high. The amount of pressure I felt was suffocating.
Every minute went by so, incredibly slowly. For the first few hours of the day, I felt strangely calm. I still checked the auction frequently, but I wasn't quite so anxious. But as the end time creeped closer, my nerves got worse and worse. I couldn't breathe or think properly, hell, I could hardly even function.
Honestly, everything is a bit of a blur. I remember frantically texting my boyfriend, counting down the minutes, and trying to watch YouTube to take my mind off of it (but not being able to get into a single video because I was too worried about getting distracted and missing the bid). At this point, there were already 4 other people bidding, and I hadn't even placed a single bid yet! In the last few minutes, my sniper bid went through, though I was promptly outbid. I frantically moved some money around between my accounts, watching a timer tick down on my laptop.
The last minute. It was all or nothing. With 30 seconds to go, I typed in my absolute highest bid, and submitted it with 20 seconds to go. I refreshed the page, and the auction had ended. Did I win? I checked the bidding history, and sure enough, the highest bid was mine. But that couldn't be real, right? How did I win???
My hands were shaking violently and my heart was pounding out of my chest. My eyes welled up with tears as I phoned my boyfriend to share the news. The relief that I felt after those two awful days was pure bliss.
But now what? That's a question I still haven't really figured out. I've never purchased something this important to me before. I genuinely don't know where to go from here. What do you do when you've accomplished your ultimate lolita goal? I've somehow managed to acquire the lolita skirt that I have yearned for more than any other main piece. THE Meta camo skirt!
Truthfully, even now as I'm writing this out, it still hasn't hit me. It's something so good that I don't feel like I deserve it. I can't even begin to process it. Maybe it's just because I've had a particularly busy weekend, and it'll hit me properly once it arrives. I just feel completely lost. I can't even think of one good way to coordinate it because I spent so long denying myself the possibility. I don't know how to wrap my head around something that I wrote off as impossible.
Taking it off of my lolibrary wishlist and moving it to my closet was such a surreal feeling. Telling everyone about my victory and receiving so many positive responses and congratulations has been so, so lovely. I feel like I don't deserve it, but man, it isn't every day you manage to buy your number one dream piece!
I just have so many mixed feelings. I'm obviously beyond overjoyed that I managed to win, but all the terrible feelings I experienced beforehand did somewhat sour the experience for me. I'm definitely going to have to steer clear of auctions for a while. They've never been my favourite, but lolita bloodbaths are seriously on a whole other level.
Anyway, I guess the first thing I need to do is actually get it shipped! I'm sure that once I have it in my hands, things will start feeling a little more real. Unfortunately, I'm not actually going to be able to wear it for a while as I'll need to have it altered. I've always been iffy about the idea of altering my main pieces, but I think I deserve to be able to wear the clothes I love so dearly, even if the original measurements don't fit me. I'd love to do it myself, but my sewing skills are very basic and I'd be scared shitless about fucking it up, so I'll either take it to a professional or work on it myself once I've improved a LOT. Luckily it has detachable waist ties, so I'll have plenty of extra fabric to work with. Even if it takes a while, at least it means I'll have lots of time to plan some coords!
That's about all I have to say! I know this post was a bit heavier than my previous ones, but this was something I really needed to get off my chest. Even if nobody reads it, I think typing this out has helped me make sense of some of my emotions. I hope that if you did make it this far you enjoyed it regardless. Who knows, maybe this will actually resonate with someone reading! I can't be the only one that gets hellish auction anxiety, right?
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| A note from one of the days I spent worrying... |
To end on a lighter note, I wanted to say a huge huge thank you to Erin and Sam for tagging me in the recent camo auctions, I literally don't have the words to express my gratitude! It means a lot knowing the people in this community have my back, and getting this piece genuinely would not have been possible without you guys or the os discord server.
If you've kept up with me on Instagram, you'll know I have quite a bit planned this summer. I also plan to write about my trip to Paris soon, so please keep an eye out for new blog posts over the next few months! Thank you so much for reading. Bye bye!!!
